I wanna fuck

I love him I love him I love him.

Me today. Ditched for weed and sex.

(via hypercrushh)

I want to tell him all the ways I love him. I want to know everything he feels for me. I want to know what about me he thinks is beautiful. I want to show him all the different things I’ve noticed about our relationship ship. I want to admit that its more than just Fucking. I want him to read those letters and tell me not to be scared anymore, because he loves me. I want him to say those words and kiss me and tell me he wants me And he will stay with me for as long as possible. I want to get so high I see God when I kiss him. I want to take a hit that he blows into my mouth. I want to fall asleep with his arms around me and my hand on his chest. I want to whisper to him all the things that scare me when the lights are off. I want him to listen. I want him.

Dear Ayanle,
I have been quite insane lately, my mood goes up and down all day long, and even when I’m dying to cut, I talk to you about anything and I feel so much better. You have been so patient with me, and I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate all that you do for me. You have become such a huge piece of my life, the longer I stay with you, the more deeply rooted my emotions become.
You know I love you, and you know I’ve loved you for a very long time. It never takes long for me to fall in love. However, I have never felt this strongly for someone. There is something about you, that I have been drawn to since day one. As soon as I played eyes on you, on my first day of work, I knew I had to have you. I pursued you with such ferocity, we started having sex a month and a half after I started at Jeppesen. I never really loved Tyler, not the way I love you.
I was dating Tyler long distance when we met, and I couldn’t get away fast enough from him.
I wanted to be yous, and I knee you wanted me. I know the Genesis of our relationship was purely sex based, but with time spent emotions grew. And here we are; a year later and we can’t get enough of each other.
Somehow you gave put up with extensive emotions and unpredictable temper from me. I dont know how you do it, but I love you for it.
You have seen me cry, when I get up in the morning, and when I’m so mad I could scream; yet you still call me your beautiful lady. You dont understand, and maybe you never will, how much I love you.
-Sarah

Dear Ayanle,
Finally, I opened up to you, about all the things that plague my ever busy mind. You listened to my heartache about the loneliness that makes every moment, when you’re not in my company, cold and depressing. You are my only friend in this terrible state we live in. You know my home will always be where James is and that place is New York. I wish you could understand my ever burning love for that city. And James is a part of who I am.
There are so many things I wish I could tell you. I wish I could explain all the ways I love you. How every touch and every kiss means so much to me. The way you look at me, and the way you play with me, like we were children. I adore you in so many ways, I could fill this journal you surprised me with.
I wonder, more than I should, about how you feel about me, and the future of our relationship. I can’t tell you how many dreams my unconscious has created, where you have told me how much, why and when you fell in love with me. I wish you weren’t so scared to love me. I wish you could love me.
No one would ever put us together on paper, based on our backgrounds, beliefs, and interests. But here we are; what started as a solely sex based affair, has turned into a loyal committed relationship, and the sex has only gotten better. I think the mutual adoration is what makes our time in bed better and better.
You scare the shit out of me, because I know I will love you for a very long time.
- Sarah

I’m skipping class for sex and weed. All hail higher education.

High selfies after sex

Sometimes I just want to scream, and then he does something to make me laugh and I’m not mad anymore. Or not nearly as mad as I was. He doesn’t have to ask for me to smile at him, it just is always there when I’m around him.
I really wanna keep him for as long as possible. The sex is incredible, we have a solid friendship, and it never feels like work to be around each other.
Anyways, night kids.
Xoxo gossip tranny

Worked together today and then hung out after and had incredible sex. I have no idea how but every time we have sex is better than the last. Maybe it’s more passionate/intense, maybe it’s because we have more of a mutual understanding of our feeling for each other, or perhaps it’s just this carnal physical attraction we have between us. We can’t get enough of one another and it is incredible how much we want each other. 

He knows that I love him, and I know he’s too guarded/weird about love to ever tell me that he loves me. He read my post ‘Lies’ that had lyrics to the song by Marina and The Diamonds. After he was done he told me not to worry and that he knows how my heart feels and that he isn’t going to break it. He reminds me that he wants to keep what we have for a long time, and I replied to that once and said that the sex was too good to leave, he said no, I really like you a lot and I want to keep this. 

I’m not sure why I’m writing all of this, because I’m sure he’ll find it when he uses my phone at work tomorrow.

I think I’m just content with our relationship and how he feels about me. He and I have a good relationship that is not easy to find. Most people would be sick of someone if they saw them 60+ hours a week. Fuck, I got sick of Tyler (crazy bitch ass controlling motherfucker with serious trust/self image issues) after 3 months of being on the phone none-stop with him because he was scared I would cheat on him, and he lived 1500 miles away! 

The funny part was, I wanted Ayanle (boyfriend), from day one at work, and he felt the same way. And it’s turned into a damn good thing between us. Tyler thought he would steal me from him, guess he was right. 

My parents know how much I’m with him, for the most part, and they think I’m going to get burnt out like how I did with Tyler. But with Ayanle it’s different, we just enjoy each others company and are never bored when we’re together. 

So I guess the T is this, I’m done worrying about what’s going to happen down the road with him, because what we have now is worth whatever is at the end of it. Who knows? It may turn out better than expected.

OH! And he slipped up while we were at work and called me babe. It was kind of cute. :) 

k bye 

xoxo gossip tranny

I’m giving up Christmas morning with my parents for sex, drugs, and money.
Working from 5am-10am, leaving with my boyfriend to go get high and have a lot of sex until I have to go home at 1.
Satan must be proud of me.

Ya’ll ain’t gon’ believe this shit. 

So a couple of days ago I was hanging out with my boyfriend and he said to me that I was back to being his fuck buddy and not his girlfriend. Naturally I was fucking shocked. He said that I had had an attitude with him a few times and I also punched him in the face(that part I can understand). However, I thought, what the actual fuck? Anyone on planet Earth who has ever met me for more than five minutes knows that I have a sassy attitude, don’t have a filter, and am very upfront about what I think and how I feel about anything. 

He also said that I had to earn him back and that I would gain/lost points based on my attitude around him and how negative I was towards myself. This to me felt like I was being treated as a toy/pet to be taught how to behave, and he dangling his commitment in front of me like a treat for my good behavior. I snapped tbh.

I immediately starting thinking of my past how everyone of my ex’s in some way or another has tried to change/control me, and that doesn’t sit well with me. I am not that kind of person to be molded in order to make someone else happy. This is who the fuck I am.

So after festering over this, I talk to him at work and tell him how I feel about the whole situation. He is at first speechless, when I ask what he thought, he said ‘I can’t even believe you took it this far, I told you not to take it seriously and you did.’ I started rethinking the entire situation and decided in some ways I was right and in some ways so was he. So i settled for being his fuck buddy and nothing more. 

Any emotions I did have, are now dwindled down to those of only fondness and pure carnal attraction of the most shallow and physical need. No matter what, I’m always going to find him attractive and we have really good sexual chemistry, so why would I waste that? Getting over him was easier than I thought it ever would be and I don’t feel hurt or anything, I think I’m just more at peace with the fact that I’m never going to be more than a friend and a good lover to him. He’s never going to love me, and that’s OK. He’s going to get married to some other chick (he’s Muslim and his family is very traditional, ie. arranged marriage). I can’t even bring myself to talk about that whole situation with him because it’s too weird for me to think that that’s still going on, but I respect his religion/culture and don’t want to fight with him about it. 

Next. So after I had talked to him it was like 1 pm and so I had about 3 and a half hours left of work. I had pissed off a couple of other people I work with because they’re very ignorant and single minded. But, unfortunately I started thinking about the way people feel about me/why its hard for me to find people who really care and want to be in my life. 

Needless to say I got very depressed very quickly and it just sucked. I was more suicidal than I have felt in years and made a list of about 15-20 names of people I would write letters to. I was going to take out all the cash from my accounts, tell my parents I was going to work and than would be out late with friends. After that, I was going to drive west and hopefully reach the ocean. I was so set on it, and I was eerily calm about it too, which was what scared me the most.

I left work and followed my fuck buddy to one of the train stations around Denver and we talked about what happened between us, and we thought just being fuck buddies would be OK for us.

He noticed I was very quiet and smoking a lot of cigarettes (I think I had about 3 in an hour period). He was busy working out some issues with his new apartment with his roommate and when he was done with that he asked what I was doing this weekend and I said I was gonna go on a road trip to the mountains, he asked why and I said just to get away for a little while. He went on about how that was stupid because I didn’t need to go out to the mountains to find myself or to have some kind of spiritual re-awakening. He talked about how I was always putting myself down and that was one thing that he really didn’t like about me. 

The more he talked the more I reconsidered my plan. He kept saying how I was the only one who can make myself perfect no, one else can. He said ‘You don’t need me, you don’t need Tyler, Josh, Zac, fuck it you don’t need James.’ When he said that I kind of looked at him and he said ‘OK, you probably do need James.’ That made me laugh, everyone knows I need James.

I try not to care about what other people think of me, and most of the time it works, because I can be very confident in myself and I can make people think I don’t give not a single fuck about what anyone thinks of me. Most of the time that’s true. 

Sometimes, however, I feel very upset just being in my own skin and I’ll cry myself to sleep for weeks at a time. I am very emotional and irrational with how I feel. My mind goes from thoughts of simplicity and happiness to suddenly dark and completely demented, hard to understand. It’s hard for me to live being myself because of the type of person that I am. 

I started crying and he kept saying that my negativity is what is killing me and realizing that I’m perfect they way I am, not letting anyone else’s word effect me and living my life the way I want, is what is going to help me. 

After that I felt so much more human than I have in a long time. I felt vulnerable but also like I was cared for in some way, even if all he would miss if I had done it, is the great sex we had together. 

I’m a lot better today. I got some stuff done to get ready to start school for the spring semester, did laundry and talked to James for a while. He is going to be 21 in two days I am super excited to receive weekly drunken phone calls from him. I swear to Buddha he is the most hilarious drunk on the face of the planet. 

Maybe I’m more at peace with my relationship, maybe I understand that everything ends eventually, maybe I know now what I mean to him and it’s not what I was hoping for. 

I don’t think he will ever understand me completely, the way I think, the things I’ve been through, how my past still haunts me, the severe emotional damage that effects me everyday, how many emotions I feel in a day, and how quickly my affections can change for someone. I don’t think he really cares to learn every aspect of me, and why would he? He knows this won’t last, and so do I. 

Why do I keep expecting more of him than I know he would ever give me?

ugh, omg seriously if you’re still reading this you are just an awesome person. Unless you’re Jamesy, than I would expect you to still be reading this. 

I’m done. Fucking finished.

xoxo gossip tranny,

From fuck buddy to girlfriend back to fuck buddy.
What the actual fuck.
Something about this scares me…

I’m obviously going through some sort of psychological changes in my life. 

I was crying all day at work because my hair is falling out a lot more than normal and my hair is scary thin now. 

But I’m ok with it now and realize that hey, if I go bald, than I can just be a real drag queen and wear wigs all the time.

RuPaul is bald/shaves his head. And he’s a fierce bitch. 

Anyways, people at work found out my boyfriend and I are dating, but it was only like 3 people and those people didn’t include my boss nor his mom as we handled it and everything’s ok now. We convinced them that we broke up.

MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA, we didn’t. And I’m seeing him after work tomorrow.

I feel like I haven’t hung out with him in a while, even though I just saw him at work, it’s a different dynamic because we have to act like we just broke up. 

It’s kind of a weird scenario me and him. Everything just kind of fell in to place. As soon as I was fully trained there was a new seating chart and I was sitting next to him. And for the next couple of months he wasn’t material handling because someone else was being trained for it so he was sitting next to me all the time. 

I literally had to have him. Even before Tyler and I broke up I was flirting with him and seeing if anything was there. 8 months later we’re still together and doing well. 

It’s just funny to me how things work out. I guess I’m kind of lucky in a way. I mean since he’s taking a huge risk since his mom works there.

Why do all my meaningless text posts turn into full force tranny rants? Like what the actual fuck.

Someone send me messages please :( 

He likes biting. I have bruises on my shoulders, calves, triceps, tits, and on the left side of my rib cage.