I am sad all the time. The only time it ever fades away is when I am with Ayanle, and even sometimes that doesn’t work because he’ll do something to piss me off. I have been dying to cut or burn myself, and I haven’t yet which is good. I don’t know what the fuck is going on.
I think it might be related to my boyfriend but I don’t know. We have a good relationship, but he is suppose to have an arranged marriage after he graduates college, which is about a year to a year and a half away. That scares the shit out of me. I don’t think he will ever understand what it’s like to be in my position. I take responsibility for the fact that I’m still with him, knowing he’s having an arranged marriage, but by the time i found out about it, I already had feelings for him. I love him, and I can’t even think about him leaving me without feeling a pain in my chest like a hot blade. He is all I have here, Jamesy is in New York and I have been negligent with him lately (sorry bb).
Even writing this I feel like I want to cry. I thought I had everything together. And honestly I do in my outside life, all my bills are paid, everything with work is good, I’m getting good grades in school, Ayanle and I haven’t been fighting, and I haven’t pissed off my parents. But inside I feel so angry and upset all the time. It has gotten to a point where I am faking every smile and laugh all day long. I just want to sleep for a month and wake up in a new life.
Ayanle’s religion and culture are so important to him, and while I don’t agree with them, I respect them and almost admire him for his faith. However, he doesn’t seem to appreciate the situation I’m in. He says that he isn’t gonna break my heart, and that I should just stop thinking about him getting married because he isn’t going to any time soon. But even if it’s a year from now, the pain will only be worse for me because of all the time we have spent together. He is where I am, 75% of the time. If we’re not at school or work, we’re together, and that’s how it’s been for a year now.
I get headaches everyday, and I have no idea why. My appetite is going away. And worst of all, music isn’t even helping me feel better. I can’t find a reason to paint or draw. I think I’m losing my damn mind.
Fuck. I love him, and I can’t even tell him. I have to hold back everyday. I have to bite my tongue every time we say good night. He says he’s scared to love someone. And he also said that he believes when you love someone you want to marry them. How is that going to work when he is having an arranged marriage?
In all honesty I hope he likes his future wife, and I hope he loves her. But I will not at all be happy about it. She won’t know him like I do, she won’t take care of him the way I do, or understand him or love him the way I do.
I think this is the most blissful pain I’ve ever known. To love someone so much, knowing you’re going to lose them, by no fault of your own.
Jamesy I miss you. I’m sorry.