I wanna fuck

I love him I love him I love him.

- Steven: Not bad, just weird and small penis.

Zac: crazy, small penis, completely full of shit, loser, fat, ugly.

Josh: liar, cheater, stupid, probably gay, not bad penis but never had sex.

Vitamin guy josh: racist, cute, dont know if he was crazy, abuser.

Tyler: craziest of all, not bad looking, ok penis size, controlling, stupid, self conscious to the max, daddy issues, mommy issues, fucking every issue ever, suicidal, ok sex, faked it a lot honestly :) 

Ayanle: Best boyfriend ever. best sex, best communication, best relationship i’ve been in, longest relaionship to date.

idk why i made this. 

I am sad all the time. The only time it ever fades away is when I am with Ayanle, and even sometimes that doesn’t work because he’ll do something to piss me off. I have been dying to cut or burn myself, and I haven’t yet which is good. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. 

I think it might be related to my boyfriend but I don’t know. We have a good relationship, but he is suppose to have an arranged marriage after he graduates college, which is about a year to a year and a half away. That scares the shit out of me. I don’t think he will ever understand what it’s like to be in my position. I take responsibility for the fact that I’m still with him, knowing he’s having an arranged marriage, but by the time i found out about it, I already had feelings for him. I love him, and I can’t even think about him leaving me without feeling a pain in my chest like a hot blade. He is all I have here, Jamesy is in New York and I have been negligent with him lately (sorry bb). 

Even writing this I feel like I want to cry. I thought I had everything together. And honestly I do in my outside life, all my bills are paid, everything with work is good, I’m getting good grades in school, Ayanle and I haven’t been fighting, and I haven’t pissed off my parents. But inside I feel so angry and upset all the time. It has gotten to a point where I am faking every smile and laugh all day long. I just want to sleep for a month and wake up in a new life. 

Ayanle’s religion and culture are so important to him, and while I don’t agree with them, I respect them and almost admire him for his faith. However, he doesn’t seem to appreciate the situation I’m in. He says that he isn’t gonna break my heart, and that I should just stop thinking about him getting married because he isn’t going to any time soon. But even if it’s a year from now, the pain will only be worse for me because of all the time we have spent together. He is where I am, 75% of the time. If we’re not at school or work, we’re together, and that’s how it’s been for a year now. 

I get headaches everyday, and I have no idea why. My appetite is going away. And worst of all, music isn’t even helping me feel better. I can’t find a reason to paint or draw. I think I’m losing my damn mind. 

Fuck. I love him, and I can’t even tell him. I have to hold back everyday. I have to bite my tongue every time we say good night. He says he’s scared to love someone. And he also said that he believes when you love someone you want to marry them. How is that going to work when he is having an arranged marriage?

In all honesty I hope he likes his future wife, and I hope he loves her. But I will not at all be happy about it. She won’t know him like I do, she won’t take care of him the way I do, or understand him or love him the way I do. 

I think this is the most blissful pain I’ve ever known. To love someone so much, knowing you’re going to lose them, by no fault of your own.

Jamesy I miss you. I’m sorry. 

Whenever I go to see my boyfriend, whether its at work or if we’re hanging out I always get really excited and happy to see him
Because I’m in such a good mood I have a lot of energy and I just want to use it and be fun and cute with him but he is a very Stoic person and so I feel awkward wanting to be Flirty and all of that bullshit. It kind of makes me sad because I have a lot to express and I feel like I can’t express how I feel to him even though I legitimately spend more time with him than I do with my own mother.
I adore and love him but I can’t show it. I want to hug and kiss him as much as I can but I dont want to feel like I’m being too much. I love him but I can never say it and I can only show it in the smallest of ways without being too obvious about it. I’m always thinking about him, not always in a sexual way, but I can never tell him what I’m thinking about him and our relationship.
People say that it breaks your heart when you love someone but can never have them, I fortunately do have him, however I think its worse having someone but you can’t express how you feel about them because of how guarded they are. I dont at all expect him to love me, but I can’t seem to stop hoping that one day he might. And I think that hope is what is killing me the most.

One of my boyfriends dealers has his moms record collection containing 50-75 of some of the greatest music in the past 50 years, all in really good condition and all original copies. Including but not limited too The doors, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Pink Floyd,The police, Micheal Jackson, AC/DC, Van Halen, and David Bowie. 

I was so upset when he told me because these are some of my favorites groups/artists and I was not there to see them!!! Literally so upset for about an hour after he told me. 

Anyways, I am going to bed because I have gotten almost no sleep in the past 3 days.

At first glance I thought Beyonce dropped her lace front.

(via tafheet)

I’m obviously going through some sort of psychological changes in my life. 

I was crying all day at work because my hair is falling out a lot more than normal and my hair is scary thin now. 

But I’m ok with it now and realize that hey, if I go bald, than I can just be a real drag queen and wear wigs all the time.

RuPaul is bald/shaves his head. And he’s a fierce bitch. 

Anyways, people at work found out my boyfriend and I are dating, but it was only like 3 people and those people didn’t include my boss nor his mom as we handled it and everything’s ok now. We convinced them that we broke up.

MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA, we didn’t. And I’m seeing him after work tomorrow.

I feel like I haven’t hung out with him in a while, even though I just saw him at work, it’s a different dynamic because we have to act like we just broke up. 

It’s kind of a weird scenario me and him. Everything just kind of fell in to place. As soon as I was fully trained there was a new seating chart and I was sitting next to him. And for the next couple of months he wasn’t material handling because someone else was being trained for it so he was sitting next to me all the time. 

I literally had to have him. Even before Tyler and I broke up I was flirting with him and seeing if anything was there. 8 months later we’re still together and doing well. 

It’s just funny to me how things work out. I guess I’m kind of lucky in a way. I mean since he’s taking a huge risk since his mom works there.

Why do all my meaningless text posts turn into full force tranny rants? Like what the actual fuck.

Someone send me messages please :( 

My dad knows I can’t sleep without my Teddy bear. So he said my bear was on strike until I cleaned my room because there’s so much crap on my bed. I’m 18. Parenting like a boss.

I’m thinking art history major with a minor in photography and religion.
I would love to teach art or work in a museum and take pictures the rest of my life. I also love religions, mainly the conspiracies behind them, not necessarily their teachings.
People I work with are immature and annoying and I’m tired of the bullshit. Its time I did something with my life.
Jamesy. Call me.
Xoxo gossip tranny.

Damn. It hurts to move my right arm

Drunk tumblin

And I asked my mom if it was Azkaban island.
I haven’t read the books in years.

And I will be sitting in my seat, flying east towards beautiful New York City. I will be there until Wednesday of next week and I am not quite sure how much tumbling I will be doing.
I’ll be at Fashions Night Out in SoHo and going to a concert with the exuberant Alexa on Saturday.
I will try and take pictures and post them as I go.
Wish me luck kids. I will be drinking as much as possible and falling asleep in my soon to be purchased wig.
Xoxo gossip tranny.

I had a dream that John Lennon and Jim Morrison fell in love with me.

I woke up quite happy.