I will be in New York in less than 48 hours.
I need a Fucking break.
I’m coming home.

Hung out and had great sex with my boyfriend.
Smoked hookah for the first time with him.
Came home and sat by the fire drinking and chatting with my parents about life, love, and the pursuit of drag.
Mama read me a book she had made for me when I was born and she teared up a little bit.
Damn good day.
My boyfriend can upset me sometimes but over all we’re good together and I’m happy, as far as I can tell so is he, but than again he is so damn gaurded.
Also, I’m going to the Born This Way Ball with my best gay Jamesy in February.
Be jealous.

I don’t want to go home. I really don’t. This crazy, beautiful, high paced city is my home and is the only place I ever really feel like myself completely.
Idk if its Jamesy, the people or the vibrant energy of this place, but it just feels right.
The only thing that ever briefly illuminates my dull life in Denver is Ayanle’s unpredictable company. I realized on my flight over here that the only reason I felt so attached to him was because of my self induced isolation. Revolving all of my free/alone time around him and not focusing on my own life was detrimental to my emotions/esteem.
Yes he is a part of my life but he doesn’t consume it. He wont be around a year from now and I will only ever be a faint memory for him, of a lonely girl he once worked with.
He knows where he’s going and has his shit together and that’s one thing I really admire about him. He’s a good Guy and goes after what he wants.
I have feelings for him, and that’s ok because at least I admit to having them instead of hiding behind some facade of indifference.
You spend enough time with someone, get to know them personally and intimately, have great sex with them and can just hang out with them, and yeah something will spark. Whether you are able to admit it/wanted it to happen or not is irrelevant.
The feelings are there, acting upon them or snuffing them out is up to you.
I was honest and told him, and I just wanted to be honest. I don’t want to fall in love and I don’t think I’m going to simply because I realized how stupid I’ve been these past few months.
Literally working my schedule around him and not focusing on myself/my future is just fucking ridiculous. He is not as important as I make him out to be.
Yes I enjoy being around him, fucking him and talking to him. But why waste all my time energy and emotions on a Guy who will never feel the same way I do now?
I don’t want to stop seeing him, I just want to get my life in order and be headed some where with my future.
I’m smart, beautiful, talented and capable. I have a good head on my shoulders and opportunities most people don’t.
Its high time I found my way.
Ayanle will respect that and won’t get butthurt if I saw him less because I was busy with my own life.
Basically I’ve been so stupid for almost half a year and I’m not doing this anymore.
I’m gonna start taking some classes, volunteering at libraries and saving my money.
Free bitch.

Robert Plant and Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin 2

Led Zeppelin 2,

Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, Led Zeppelin 2

Jimmy Page, Led Zeppelin 2

FNO before I got wasted at 5 different stores serving free cocktails.

New York city.
Bout to take off.
Peace n blessinz ya’ll!

And I will be sitting in my seat, flying east towards beautiful New York City. I will be there until Wednesday of next week and I am not quite sure how much tumbling I will be doing.
I’ll be at Fashions Night Out in SoHo and going to a concert with the exuberant Alexa on Saturday.
I will try and take pictures and post them as I go.
Wish me luck kids. I will be drinking as much as possible and falling asleep in my soon to be purchased wig.
Xoxo gossip tranny.

I’m going to be in NY in 3 days. I get to see Jamesy and go to Fashions Night Out in the city that is drenched in fashion and art. And Alexa and I are going to a concert and spending the night together ;) she is so sexy.

I wonder if ayanle will miss me. As I look back and remember how crappy it was going to NY when I was withTyler because I would constantly have to reassure him where I was and what was going on and he was so Controlling and had to keep tabs on me as if I were a child. With ayanle I can do whatever I want whenever I want and not have to worry about him bearing over me like a warden.

Only thing I do worry about with him is covering up the hickies and bite marks he leaves on me every time we see each other. Wow. Maybe I wont have any by the time I get back and ill be able to wear low cut shirts again haha.

Anyways I just got home from seeing him for the 3rd night in a row. We’re suppose to get a hotel tomorrow too so that we don’t have to fuck in a park :)

I really like where our whole relationship thing is going because we have a ball together and have great sex all the time. I feel very at peace with him and our dynamics. I even let him drive my Jeep BlackJack. Which I only let my dad drive. My new weave is amazing and I am so fierce tbh. It has a red tint in the sunlight, like the blood from the virgins I be slayin in the screets.

Night kids.

Xoxo gossip tranny.

I don’t understand a lot of things about myself. I guess I have also been lying to you by telling you that you will never understand who I am completely. In all honesty I’m not at all as interesting or different as I think I am. I am merely myself, in the most honest ways.

I don’t like to talk about my problems because I would rather not deal with them, and instead bury them until that feeling of pain is subsided. My problems are only mine to deal with and I would rather not burden others with my dark and twisted mind.  I cut through my own flesh remind myself that pain is only temporary and things heal over time, whether you do anything to help ease the pain or not, is irrelevant. 

I can be the life and soul of the party, or the wallflower sipping a G+t all night next to a few friends. It all just depends on how I’m feeling that day.  My music is random and my taste varies from Rupaul to The smiths, and everything in between. I don’t understand a lot of things, and I try my best to be as accepting as possible. I’m not the prettiest and I compare myself against everyone else I see no matter where I am. But I won’t ever not talk to someone because they’re not like me. 

I analyze every little thing anyone ever says to me, no matter how much or how little they know me. I feed off of other peoples thoughts and ways of thinking because I’m not sure I have my own mind set straight yet. I need to know how other people view me, not because I care what they think, but because I find it interesting to know how someone else can see things in a completely different light than I.

I change all the  time, and my mood is insanely warped and can switch with the changing of a song, or a phrase that gets twisted in my head. I am not loving or even kind, and I can’t ever stay in a relationship because they make me deal with problems I don’t want to deal with. I hate being in them because all I want to do, is  run. Nothing to me is worth heartbreak I’ve endured too many times. Pain is hard to deal with and I obviously don’t deal with it in any kind of healthy manner. 

I’m also as vain as Cleopatra and will be the first to tell you that. I can’t leave the house if my hair and makeup isn’t done, and if my eyelashes don’t look fake, I’m not happy. I thrive in vintage stores in the East Village, and shopping in Soho with Jamesy, because that’s where I belong. New York is just as crazy as I am. And that is the only place I feel I can be myself without any kind of compromises. 

I can fall in love and write love letters that would make you cry, and then I can turn as cold as ice without any warning. I don’t want to be loved, because I know that no matter how much someone loves me, they can  always find someone better. Whether they admit that fact or not. People like me are only meant to be enjoyed in very limited ways, and we are not meant to be put up with by someone for very long. 

Jamesy is my best friend soul mate, and that’s just how it is with us. Tyler said that no one would ever accept my friendship with James and how close we are because I always put him first and defend our friendship too ferociously for anyone to ever want to be with me. He also said that I would be lonely after James left too and I wouldn’t have anyone else. I guess I’ll take my chances.

  I can’t stand belonging to anyone anymore. And you can be mad at that all you want, but I’ll never settle down, or want to be with one person the rest of my life. I wander too much and have too free a spirit to do that. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be hurt. So for a long time now, I have gotten use to not getting attached. 

When I saw myself getting attached to Tyler, I recoiled as quickly as I could and got the fuck out of that situation. I’m sorry I ever let it get that far, because I hurt a really good guy who always deserved better than me. 

I can’t see myself getting married or having children or even being with one person for more than a year. I can’t do it. It scares me, being that involved with someone. I would rather be on my own, and do whatever I want with who ever I want whenever I want.  I don’t care if that makes me a slut, or too wild. It’s what I want, and frankly, I am going to live life large, and make no apologies for who the fuck I am. 

I’m so fucking anxious about leaving and skipping work and calling in ‘sick’ for three days in a row this weekend.

It has been on my mind none stop for days, and it almost makes me sick to my stomach. My parents think I have the time off approved and that my boss knows I’m not gonna be in. When in reality I’ll be in New York and then Pennsylvania. 

If I get fired, I will kill myself. I will not be getting a new car because I won’t be able to afford one, my phone and insurance bills won’t get payed, and I won’t have any gas money. 

I need this trip, and I’ve been looking forward to seeing Marylin and Ty, but the chance that I may get fired over it, scares the shit out of me. 

I have been hiding so many things from absolutely everyone. I know how well I can hide things, and this is just one of many things, that has been making me miserable. 

No, Tyler. YOU are NOT, making me miserable. I know that’s immediately what you’re going to think.

I’m just stressed and depressed, and ready to drink until I die.

Judy Garland cocktails anyone?

Being a depressed tranny, ya know what I did to make myself feel better on my Thursday night? 

I was posted up in bed, eatin nutella, watchin Paris is Burning, and The HBO presents Lady Gaga Monster ball Special. 

I don’t think the gay soul I have twerqin inside of me could have been any happier. 

Also, I went through all the old picture I have from when I met Nicola Formichetti and Rick Genest at ‘Nicola’s’ grand opening in New York and the Parfum party the night after. 

I’ll be in New York again soon, and I can’t wait to see Jamesy. I’m comin home boo! 

Anyways, I’m gonna be lazy and watch movies all day. I’m feeling in the mood for a little Baz Luhrmann, so ‘The Moulin Rouge’ and ‘William Shakespeares Romeo+Juliet” it is. 

Pray I don’t burst into glitter. 

I felt like I was leaving everything I had worked for years to get, behind. It was as if all the nights crying and begging to find who I was as a person were for nothing. As long as I was you’re girlfriend, you didn’t care about anything else. You refused to hear about a huge part of my life that literally means the world to me. I was stupid for letting this new found relationship get the better of me. However, at some point, were you ever going to look past what you only saw on the outside and see what lay beyond my smile? You don’t really know me, not like James does. And frankly, I’m cautious to let you in again because when I tried, you wanted nothing to do with it. Maybe this is all my fault, and I’m sure I have to take most of the responsibility for it anyways. But it hurts knowing someone who says they love you, doesn’t even fully know or understand you. It’s shitty knowing only pieces of you are worth loving and sticking around for. 

You were outraged at my stubbornness and defensiveness over my only friendship. But that was one piece of my life that I will never surrender, because it’s one of the main reasons I’m still here and why I am who I am. New York and James are a part of me and they always will be. I hate the fact that you said “No one is ever going to except your friendship with him when you’re in a relationship, because you defend it so much.” Well then I guess I’m gonna be alone for a long time aren’t I? And you know what? That’s no longer your problem. 

I’m upset, and even though I don’t show you, because I know you won’t give a fuck, I’m hurting on the inside. I thought I found someone who would accept every part of me and all the crazy and fucked up twists and turns of my past and who I am now because of it. But no, I had to change and hide things because you didn’t want to hear them, or it made you upset if you did. I really learned a huge lesson because of you, and I don’t hate you by any means. I shouldn’t have been so stupid as to let you change who I am. Luckily, I caught it  before it was too late. And now I’m out of that box, where only small portions of who I am, were allowed to show. 

I know you’re probably reading this and hurting over it. But I don’t want you to be hurt even more then you already are. I never meant to hurt you, or cause you any pain. I’m not quite that cruel. I’m selfish about who I am and the few things I have, that have set me free. 

I’m a fucked up person because of my past, and I am trying to get over it. So far, it’s worked out well. And if how I’m dealing with it, isn’t good enough for you, then you can leave. No one, is ever going to make me feel like I’m not good enough or like I’m too stupid to know how to deal with my own problems. Maybe they’re not the best methods, but hey, I’ve come along way from cutting myself and starving for months. 

I know you feel used and like I don’t love you. But that’s not at all the case. I know how it is to love someone so intensely and with everything you have, and for them to not even think of you while they’re with someone else. Anna did it, and so did Josh. I know what it’s like to have the very fiber that kept you in one piece, to be torn apart brutally and without hesitation. I know how fucked up people are and how much pain they can cause. So no, you’re not going through that. Because if you were, you wouldn’t even talk to me. You know I love you, and that you put me through hell without a moments thought as to what the fuck I was feeling or needing or wanting. I did everything for you except sleep on the floor with the rats, and that was seriously considered for your convenience. 

I’m sorry for this unleashing. But I finally feel like I can be who the fuck I am, without the fear of a fight, or making you upset. I’m looking out for myself and what I want. I don’t want attachments or any restrictions. 

I want to go to New York, get a Black Jack burger with James, and go vintage shopping in the East-village. I want to go to figure out what I want out of life and go for it. I’m tired of spinning my wheels. 

Sorry for the rant. 

Bella-T out.