Ya’ll ain’t gon’ believe this shit. 

So a couple of days ago I was hanging out with my boyfriend and he said to me that I was back to being his fuck buddy and not his girlfriend. Naturally I was fucking shocked. He said that I had had an attitude with him a few times and I also punched him in the face(that part I can understand). However, I thought, what the actual fuck? Anyone on planet Earth who has ever met me for more than five minutes knows that I have a sassy attitude, don’t have a filter, and am very upfront about what I think and how I feel about anything. 

He also said that I had to earn him back and that I would gain/lost points based on my attitude around him and how negative I was towards myself. This to me felt like I was being treated as a toy/pet to be taught how to behave, and he dangling his commitment in front of me like a treat for my good behavior. I snapped tbh.

I immediately starting thinking of my past how everyone of my ex’s in some way or another has tried to change/control me, and that doesn’t sit well with me. I am not that kind of person to be molded in order to make someone else happy. This is who the fuck I am.

So after festering over this, I talk to him at work and tell him how I feel about the whole situation. He is at first speechless, when I ask what he thought, he said ‘I can’t even believe you took it this far, I told you not to take it seriously and you did.’ I started rethinking the entire situation and decided in some ways I was right and in some ways so was he. So i settled for being his fuck buddy and nothing more. 

Any emotions I did have, are now dwindled down to those of only fondness and pure carnal attraction of the most shallow and physical need. No matter what, I’m always going to find him attractive and we have really good sexual chemistry, so why would I waste that? Getting over him was easier than I thought it ever would be and I don’t feel hurt or anything, I think I’m just more at peace with the fact that I’m never going to be more than a friend and a good lover to him. He’s never going to love me, and that’s OK. He’s going to get married to some other chick (he’s Muslim and his family is very traditional, ie. arranged marriage). I can’t even bring myself to talk about that whole situation with him because it’s too weird for me to think that that’s still going on, but I respect his religion/culture and don’t want to fight with him about it. 

Next. So after I had talked to him it was like 1 pm and so I had about 3 and a half hours left of work. I had pissed off a couple of other people I work with because they’re very ignorant and single minded. But, unfortunately I started thinking about the way people feel about me/why its hard for me to find people who really care and want to be in my life. 

Needless to say I got very depressed very quickly and it just sucked. I was more suicidal than I have felt in years and made a list of about 15-20 names of people I would write letters to. I was going to take out all the cash from my accounts, tell my parents I was going to work and than would be out late with friends. After that, I was going to drive west and hopefully reach the ocean. I was so set on it, and I was eerily calm about it too, which was what scared me the most.

I left work and followed my fuck buddy to one of the train stations around Denver and we talked about what happened between us, and we thought just being fuck buddies would be OK for us.

He noticed I was very quiet and smoking a lot of cigarettes (I think I had about 3 in an hour period). He was busy working out some issues with his new apartment with his roommate and when he was done with that he asked what I was doing this weekend and I said I was gonna go on a road trip to the mountains, he asked why and I said just to get away for a little while. He went on about how that was stupid because I didn’t need to go out to the mountains to find myself or to have some kind of spiritual re-awakening. He talked about how I was always putting myself down and that was one thing that he really didn’t like about me. 

The more he talked the more I reconsidered my plan. He kept saying how I was the only one who can make myself perfect no, one else can. He said ‘You don’t need me, you don’t need Tyler, Josh, Zac, fuck it you don’t need James.’ When he said that I kind of looked at him and he said ‘OK, you probably do need James.’ That made me laugh, everyone knows I need James.

I try not to care about what other people think of me, and most of the time it works, because I can be very confident in myself and I can make people think I don’t give not a single fuck about what anyone thinks of me. Most of the time that’s true. 

Sometimes, however, I feel very upset just being in my own skin and I’ll cry myself to sleep for weeks at a time. I am very emotional and irrational with how I feel. My mind goes from thoughts of simplicity and happiness to suddenly dark and completely demented, hard to understand. It’s hard for me to live being myself because of the type of person that I am. 

I started crying and he kept saying that my negativity is what is killing me and realizing that I’m perfect they way I am, not letting anyone else’s word effect me and living my life the way I want, is what is going to help me. 

After that I felt so much more human than I have in a long time. I felt vulnerable but also like I was cared for in some way, even if all he would miss if I had done it, is the great sex we had together. 

I’m a lot better today. I got some stuff done to get ready to start school for the spring semester, did laundry and talked to James for a while. He is going to be 21 in two days I am super excited to receive weekly drunken phone calls from him. I swear to Buddha he is the most hilarious drunk on the face of the planet. 

Maybe I’m more at peace with my relationship, maybe I understand that everything ends eventually, maybe I know now what I mean to him and it’s not what I was hoping for. 

I don’t think he will ever understand me completely, the way I think, the things I’ve been through, how my past still haunts me, the severe emotional damage that effects me everyday, how many emotions I feel in a day, and how quickly my affections can change for someone. I don’t think he really cares to learn every aspect of me, and why would he? He knows this won’t last, and so do I. 

Why do I keep expecting more of him than I know he would ever give me?

ugh, omg seriously if you’re still reading this you are just an awesome person. Unless you’re Jamesy, than I would expect you to still be reading this. 

I’m done. Fucking finished.

xoxo gossip tranny,

messages for the love of BOB!

ugh, idek. im starting school in january and im stoked. I cant believe i finally got off my ass and decided to do something about my future, too bad its not important enough to my dad to want to see the school with me. oh well hes in one of those moods where he hates me and wishes I was never the winning sperm. 

no longer annoyed at my boyfriend, its hard to stay mad at him when hes being cute/sweet. cant help myself, hes adorable. 

sorry im being mushy, its all these damn love songs on my ipod. 

omg, art history major. i cant even. I feel like this is going to be a really good decision for me and im excited to see where its going to lead. I just want to start school already. 

hopefully i can keep my job full time too. that would be fantastic. luckily i know that ill be able to see my boyfriend after work at the library and we can work on school crap together i guess. we already do that, i just read/write/draw while he works on chem. i like that we can do that, it reassures me that hes not just around to fuck me. 

ugh i didnt even mean for this to be a tranny rant, i just have so many feels. 

meep!

night kids, 

xoxo gossip tranny.

I’m so fucking anxious about leaving and skipping work and calling in ‘sick’ for three days in a row this weekend.

It has been on my mind none stop for days, and it almost makes me sick to my stomach. My parents think I have the time off approved and that my boss knows I’m not gonna be in. When in reality I’ll be in New York and then Pennsylvania. 

If I get fired, I will kill myself. I will not be getting a new car because I won’t be able to afford one, my phone and insurance bills won’t get payed, and I won’t have any gas money. 

I need this trip, and I’ve been looking forward to seeing Marylin and Ty, but the chance that I may get fired over it, scares the shit out of me. 

I have been hiding so many things from absolutely everyone. I know how well I can hide things, and this is just one of many things, that has been making me miserable. 

No, Tyler. YOU are NOT, making me miserable. I know that’s immediately what you’re going to think.

I’m just stressed and depressed, and ready to drink until I die.

Judy Garland cocktails anyone?

I felt like I was leaving everything I had worked for years to get, behind. It was as if all the nights crying and begging to find who I was as a person were for nothing. As long as I was you’re girlfriend, you didn’t care about anything else. You refused to hear about a huge part of my life that literally means the world to me. I was stupid for letting this new found relationship get the better of me. However, at some point, were you ever going to look past what you only saw on the outside and see what lay beyond my smile? You don’t really know me, not like James does. And frankly, I’m cautious to let you in again because when I tried, you wanted nothing to do with it. Maybe this is all my fault, and I’m sure I have to take most of the responsibility for it anyways. But it hurts knowing someone who says they love you, doesn’t even fully know or understand you. It’s shitty knowing only pieces of you are worth loving and sticking around for. 

You were outraged at my stubbornness and defensiveness over my only friendship. But that was one piece of my life that I will never surrender, because it’s one of the main reasons I’m still here and why I am who I am. New York and James are a part of me and they always will be. I hate the fact that you said “No one is ever going to except your friendship with him when you’re in a relationship, because you defend it so much.” Well then I guess I’m gonna be alone for a long time aren’t I? And you know what? That’s no longer your problem. 

I’m upset, and even though I don’t show you, because I know you won’t give a fuck, I’m hurting on the inside. I thought I found someone who would accept every part of me and all the crazy and fucked up twists and turns of my past and who I am now because of it. But no, I had to change and hide things because you didn’t want to hear them, or it made you upset if you did. I really learned a huge lesson because of you, and I don’t hate you by any means. I shouldn’t have been so stupid as to let you change who I am. Luckily, I caught it  before it was too late. And now I’m out of that box, where only small portions of who I am, were allowed to show. 

I know you’re probably reading this and hurting over it. But I don’t want you to be hurt even more then you already are. I never meant to hurt you, or cause you any pain. I’m not quite that cruel. I’m selfish about who I am and the few things I have, that have set me free. 

I’m a fucked up person because of my past, and I am trying to get over it. So far, it’s worked out well. And if how I’m dealing with it, isn’t good enough for you, then you can leave. No one, is ever going to make me feel like I’m not good enough or like I’m too stupid to know how to deal with my own problems. Maybe they’re not the best methods, but hey, I’ve come along way from cutting myself and starving for months. 

I know you feel used and like I don’t love you. But that’s not at all the case. I know how it is to love someone so intensely and with everything you have, and for them to not even think of you while they’re with someone else. Anna did it, and so did Josh. I know what it’s like to have the very fiber that kept you in one piece, to be torn apart brutally and without hesitation. I know how fucked up people are and how much pain they can cause. So no, you’re not going through that. Because if you were, you wouldn’t even talk to me. You know I love you, and that you put me through hell without a moments thought as to what the fuck I was feeling or needing or wanting. I did everything for you except sleep on the floor with the rats, and that was seriously considered for your convenience. 

I’m sorry for this unleashing. But I finally feel like I can be who the fuck I am, without the fear of a fight, or making you upset. I’m looking out for myself and what I want. I don’t want attachments or any restrictions. 

I want to go to New York, get a Black Jack burger with James, and go vintage shopping in the East-village. I want to go to figure out what I want out of life and go for it. I’m tired of spinning my wheels. 

Sorry for the rant. 

Bella-T out. 

l’amour est amour doux est en quelque sorte, l’amour signifie lentement perdre la tête. ne pas comprendre comment c’est arrivé. c’est comme je vole tout en restant immobiles. attendait pour attraper ce vol, trop heureux d’expliquer. J’ai peut paraître fou et naïf, mais je sais ce que je ressens. Je vais prendre le temps pour vous, je promets, mais s’il vous plaît être patient quand je suis avec lui. personne ne m’a jamais si bien traité. Je me sens voulu et nécessaire. Nous allons prendre soin les uns des autres. jusqu’à la fin.

James.

I have always done things, I said I would never do. Like falling in love. Making friends online. Or letting myself get played, multiple times. Falling in love; it’s like flying while you’re standing still, or feeling completely overwhelmed and yet perfectly at ease. When you meet someone, and you don’t realize till later that they will be a huge part of your life, something inside of you just clicks. the gears start moving, and for some reason, everything makes sense. They make you so god damn happy, and every time you see them, it’s like the first time all over again. At some point you memorize the shape of their face, the exact color of their eyes in certain lights, the way they look at you and smile, or the subtle way they take hold of your hand and kiss the back of it.
Loving someone means wanting them to be happy and accepting all of who they are. It means knowing all of them, and knowing every corner of their soul, almost as well as you know yours. Love is not gentle or kind, love is a the wildest thing we have. It drives you insane, makes you sad, makes you want it more than anything in the world. When you finally have it, every aspect of you changes.
I was hoping that I would never fall in love, that no one would ever hurt me, and that I would never be up at 1:30am, writing about the pain I’m enduring. I have been an idiot, for most of my life. And I’m finally realizing that I have wasted so much of my time being in love and wanting someone to love me. I’m beginning to understand that this, right now, this is not what I want. For me, love isn’t worth the tears running down my cheeks, or the ache in my entire body that makes me feel like I’m going to die.
When I use to think about love, I thought about the way it’s written in all the books I had read. I thought, one day a guy is gonna see me, and think, “that’s her, I’m gonna make her mine.” It turns out, that someone did that. And when I fell for him, I traded a few months of happiness, for years of torment. He and I, we’re like fire and gasoline, we burn and eat each other alive. But we both keep coming back for me. I don’t know if this is some kind of sick joke life is playing on me, but I want it to end. I want all the pain to stop, I want all the memories to fade along with all my scars, emotionally and physically. I want to forget all the letters I had written to the people I loved, for them to find after I had gone. I want to not feel so ashamed and embarrassed when people ask me about him. I want my friends to forgive me about the decisions I made with him. I want to be unattached, and free.
I can’t change anything, and that’s what hurts almost as badly as what he has done to me. We were so young, and everything happened so fast. It still feels like last week I had just met him.
Trying to move on, with the luck I have had, is like trying to stop the rain. I have tried, numerous times, and got played. Have you ever been played? To me, it feels like you’re not even a real person to them. It’s as if you’re an object, to be used and toyed with until they have had their fill. Then they tell you about their girlfriend of 9 months and how they hurt her because of how they were talking to you. Well, I’m sorry that she has to deal with you. If she knew everything, I doubt she would still be with you because you are a spineless piece of shit who can go to hell. I’m not a play thing, or here for amusement, I’m sorry you mistook me for that. I don’t think I’m that bad of a person, but I would like to know, what have I done in this life or a past one, to deserve this? I have come to hate myself, and everyone. I have lost pieces of myself, and am now incomplete. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows the pain I go through. I wonder if he has ever lost sleep because he was up all night crying.
What I am mostly sorry about, is the shitty friend I have been to my best friend, because he has given me good advice time and time again, and I have rarely taken it when it comes to Zac. I’m an idiot and I’m sorry for who I am at this point. I want to be stronger. But the embarrassing fact is, I’m not. I’m a pathetic, sad, scared little girl.
I must sound like the biggest idiot on the planet, worse than a princess I’m sure.
If you read all of this, you deserve a drink.

Sometimes I forget that I met and hugged Nicola Formichetti and Charlotte Free.
That I was at the launch party at Nicola’s pop up shop for Mugler’s new perfume.
That Nicola personally invited James and I to it.
I was second in line to the opening of Nicola’s.
I was fucking there.
With my best friend.
And it was the most amazing two days of my life.
Charlotte used my purple lipstick.
And was my cashier at Top Shop because I bought a ring that she picked out.
I was there for Fashions Night Out.
Nicola is amazing and humble as can be, as well as Charlotte.
So is Rico, who I love dearly.
I met him too. And he is an incredible human being. So are Nicola and Charlotte. They are all sweet as can be.
I can’t believe I met them.

James.

When you have a dream, where someone you no longer speak too, is having dinner with you at your high school.
I’m quite over her, and we were talking about twitter, and she told me not to check her twitter because she had said some stuff about James.
That was really weird.
I obviously need a drink and a xani.

James, Rick Genest aka Zombie Boy, and I.

Good movies, good ice cream, good conversation and gushing over my upcoming trip to NY with Jamesy? Yep, this day is ending spectacularly. :)

I’m going this year.
I can’t even believe how fucking excited I am.
I bought my ticket to NY earlier today, and I can’t sleep, even though it’s a month away.
Omg.
Jamesy and I, are gonna have an absolute blast!
I can’t wait to see him again, in the city that gave birth to our favorite artist.
We always have so much fun together! And going to this event means so much to me!
I love fashion and New York and my Grunge Gay.
Having them all together for 5 days is fucking spectacular!
Amen Fashion.

James: ‘I stank’
Me: ‘ew, go shower.’
James: ‘no, I just need to change my underwear.’
Me: ‘OMG EW!’