Ya’ll ain’t gon’ believe this shit.
So a couple of days ago I was hanging out with my boyfriend and he said to me that I was back to being his fuck buddy and not his girlfriend. Naturally I was fucking shocked. He said that I had had an attitude with him a few times and I also punched him in the face(that part I can understand). However, I thought, what the actual fuck? Anyone on planet Earth who has ever met me for more than five minutes knows that I have a sassy attitude, don’t have a filter, and am very upfront about what I think and how I feel about anything.
He also said that I had to earn him back and that I would gain/lost points based on my attitude around him and how negative I was towards myself. This to me felt like I was being treated as a toy/pet to be taught how to behave, and he dangling his commitment in front of me like a treat for my good behavior. I snapped tbh.
I immediately starting thinking of my past how everyone of my ex’s in some way or another has tried to change/control me, and that doesn’t sit well with me. I am not that kind of person to be molded in order to make someone else happy. This is who the fuck I am.
So after festering over this, I talk to him at work and tell him how I feel about the whole situation. He is at first speechless, when I ask what he thought, he said ‘I can’t even believe you took it this far, I told you not to take it seriously and you did.’ I started rethinking the entire situation and decided in some ways I was right and in some ways so was he. So i settled for being his fuck buddy and nothing more.
Any emotions I did have, are now dwindled down to those of only fondness and pure carnal attraction of the most shallow and physical need. No matter what, I’m always going to find him attractive and we have really good sexual chemistry, so why would I waste that? Getting over him was easier than I thought it ever would be and I don’t feel hurt or anything, I think I’m just more at peace with the fact that I’m never going to be more than a friend and a good lover to him. He’s never going to love me, and that’s OK. He’s going to get married to some other chick (he’s Muslim and his family is very traditional, ie. arranged marriage). I can’t even bring myself to talk about that whole situation with him because it’s too weird for me to think that that’s still going on, but I respect his religion/culture and don’t want to fight with him about it.
Next. So after I had talked to him it was like 1 pm and so I had about 3 and a half hours left of work. I had pissed off a couple of other people I work with because they’re very ignorant and single minded. But, unfortunately I started thinking about the way people feel about me/why its hard for me to find people who really care and want to be in my life.
Needless to say I got very depressed very quickly and it just sucked. I was more suicidal than I have felt in years and made a list of about 15-20 names of people I would write letters to. I was going to take out all the cash from my accounts, tell my parents I was going to work and than would be out late with friends. After that, I was going to drive west and hopefully reach the ocean. I was so set on it, and I was eerily calm about it too, which was what scared me the most.
I left work and followed my fuck buddy to one of the train stations around Denver and we talked about what happened between us, and we thought just being fuck buddies would be OK for us.
He noticed I was very quiet and smoking a lot of cigarettes (I think I had about 3 in an hour period). He was busy working out some issues with his new apartment with his roommate and when he was done with that he asked what I was doing this weekend and I said I was gonna go on a road trip to the mountains, he asked why and I said just to get away for a little while. He went on about how that was stupid because I didn’t need to go out to the mountains to find myself or to have some kind of spiritual re-awakening. He talked about how I was always putting myself down and that was one thing that he really didn’t like about me.
The more he talked the more I reconsidered my plan. He kept saying how I was the only one who can make myself perfect no, one else can. He said ‘You don’t need me, you don’t need Tyler, Josh, Zac, fuck it you don’t need James.’ When he said that I kind of looked at him and he said ‘OK, you probably do need James.’ That made me laugh, everyone knows I need James.
I try not to care about what other people think of me, and most of the time it works, because I can be very confident in myself and I can make people think I don’t give not a single fuck about what anyone thinks of me. Most of the time that’s true.
Sometimes, however, I feel very upset just being in my own skin and I’ll cry myself to sleep for weeks at a time. I am very emotional and irrational with how I feel. My mind goes from thoughts of simplicity and happiness to suddenly dark and completely demented, hard to understand. It’s hard for me to live being myself because of the type of person that I am.
I started crying and he kept saying that my negativity is what is killing me and realizing that I’m perfect they way I am, not letting anyone else’s word effect me and living my life the way I want, is what is going to help me.
After that I felt so much more human than I have in a long time. I felt vulnerable but also like I was cared for in some way, even if all he would miss if I had done it, is the great sex we had together.
I’m a lot better today. I got some stuff done to get ready to start school for the spring semester, did laundry and talked to James for a while. He is going to be 21 in two days I am super excited to receive weekly drunken phone calls from him. I swear to Buddha he is the most hilarious drunk on the face of the planet.
Maybe I’m more at peace with my relationship, maybe I understand that everything ends eventually, maybe I know now what I mean to him and it’s not what I was hoping for.
I don’t think he will ever understand me completely, the way I think, the things I’ve been through, how my past still haunts me, the severe emotional damage that effects me everyday, how many emotions I feel in a day, and how quickly my affections can change for someone. I don’t think he really cares to learn every aspect of me, and why would he? He knows this won’t last, and so do I.
Why do I keep expecting more of him than I know he would ever give me?
ugh, omg seriously if you’re still reading this you are just an awesome person. Unless you’re Jamesy, than I would expect you to still be reading this.
I’m done. Fucking finished.
xoxo gossip tranny,