drunk tranny rant

Ya’ll ain’t gon’ believe this shit. 

So a couple of days ago I was hanging out with my boyfriend and he said to me that I was back to being his fuck buddy and not his girlfriend. Naturally I was fucking shocked. He said that I had had an attitude with him a few times and I also punched him in the face(that part I can understand). However, I thought, what the actual fuck? Anyone on planet Earth who has ever met me for more than five minutes knows that I have a sassy attitude, don’t have a filter, and am very upfront about what I think and how I feel about anything. 

He also said that I had to earn him back and that I would gain/lost points based on my attitude around him and how negative I was towards myself. This to me felt like I was being treated as a toy/pet to be taught how to behave, and he dangling his commitment in front of me like a treat for my good behavior. I snapped tbh.

I immediately starting thinking of my past how everyone of my ex’s in some way or another has tried to change/control me, and that doesn’t sit well with me. I am not that kind of person to be molded in order to make someone else happy. This is who the fuck I am.

So after festering over this, I talk to him at work and tell him how I feel about the whole situation. He is at first speechless, when I ask what he thought, he said ‘I can’t even believe you took it this far, I told you not to take it seriously and you did.’ I started rethinking the entire situation and decided in some ways I was right and in some ways so was he. So i settled for being his fuck buddy and nothing more. 

Any emotions I did have, are now dwindled down to those of only fondness and pure carnal attraction of the most shallow and physical need. No matter what, I’m always going to find him attractive and we have really good sexual chemistry, so why would I waste that? Getting over him was easier than I thought it ever would be and I don’t feel hurt or anything, I think I’m just more at peace with the fact that I’m never going to be more than a friend and a good lover to him. He’s never going to love me, and that’s OK. He’s going to get married to some other chick (he’s Muslim and his family is very traditional, ie. arranged marriage). I can’t even bring myself to talk about that whole situation with him because it’s too weird for me to think that that’s still going on, but I respect his religion/culture and don’t want to fight with him about it. 

Next. So after I had talked to him it was like 1 pm and so I had about 3 and a half hours left of work. I had pissed off a couple of other people I work with because they’re very ignorant and single minded. But, unfortunately I started thinking about the way people feel about me/why its hard for me to find people who really care and want to be in my life. 

Needless to say I got very depressed very quickly and it just sucked. I was more suicidal than I have felt in years and made a list of about 15-20 names of people I would write letters to. I was going to take out all the cash from my accounts, tell my parents I was going to work and than would be out late with friends. After that, I was going to drive west and hopefully reach the ocean. I was so set on it, and I was eerily calm about it too, which was what scared me the most.

I left work and followed my fuck buddy to one of the train stations around Denver and we talked about what happened between us, and we thought just being fuck buddies would be OK for us.

He noticed I was very quiet and smoking a lot of cigarettes (I think I had about 3 in an hour period). He was busy working out some issues with his new apartment with his roommate and when he was done with that he asked what I was doing this weekend and I said I was gonna go on a road trip to the mountains, he asked why and I said just to get away for a little while. He went on about how that was stupid because I didn’t need to go out to the mountains to find myself or to have some kind of spiritual re-awakening. He talked about how I was always putting myself down and that was one thing that he really didn’t like about me. 

The more he talked the more I reconsidered my plan. He kept saying how I was the only one who can make myself perfect no, one else can. He said ‘You don’t need me, you don’t need Tyler, Josh, Zac, fuck it you don’t need James.’ When he said that I kind of looked at him and he said ‘OK, you probably do need James.’ That made me laugh, everyone knows I need James.

I try not to care about what other people think of me, and most of the time it works, because I can be very confident in myself and I can make people think I don’t give not a single fuck about what anyone thinks of me. Most of the time that’s true. 

Sometimes, however, I feel very upset just being in my own skin and I’ll cry myself to sleep for weeks at a time. I am very emotional and irrational with how I feel. My mind goes from thoughts of simplicity and happiness to suddenly dark and completely demented, hard to understand. It’s hard for me to live being myself because of the type of person that I am. 

I started crying and he kept saying that my negativity is what is killing me and realizing that I’m perfect they way I am, not letting anyone else’s word effect me and living my life the way I want, is what is going to help me. 

After that I felt so much more human than I have in a long time. I felt vulnerable but also like I was cared for in some way, even if all he would miss if I had done it, is the great sex we had together. 

I’m a lot better today. I got some stuff done to get ready to start school for the spring semester, did laundry and talked to James for a while. He is going to be 21 in two days I am super excited to receive weekly drunken phone calls from him. I swear to Buddha he is the most hilarious drunk on the face of the planet. 

Maybe I’m more at peace with my relationship, maybe I understand that everything ends eventually, maybe I know now what I mean to him and it’s not what I was hoping for. 

I don’t think he will ever understand me completely, the way I think, the things I’ve been through, how my past still haunts me, the severe emotional damage that effects me everyday, how many emotions I feel in a day, and how quickly my affections can change for someone. I don’t think he really cares to learn every aspect of me, and why would he? He knows this won’t last, and so do I. 

Why do I keep expecting more of him than I know he would ever give me?

ugh, omg seriously if you’re still reading this you are just an awesome person. Unless you’re Jamesy, than I would expect you to still be reading this. 

I’m done. Fucking finished.

xoxo gossip tranny,

So, I spent the night with my boyfriend Friday night. And I must say, it was the best night I’ve had in a while. From around 2:30 in the afternoon Friday, till about 1:00 in the afternoon Saturday I was with him, minus a couple of hours I spent at therapy. We had sex a total of 8 times and we both have many hickies and bite marks on our chest and shoulders. Along with scratches on his back. 

To be honest, I was really happy when he asked me to spend the night with him. It was in the middle of sex which was kind of funny but he was so cute asking me to stay with him and coming up with a story to tell my parents. We kept fucking went to sleep for a couple hours, woke up and had sex again. Each time we had sex was about an hour long and simply amazing. 

We have been fucking since like March sometime after I left Tyler, and have been officially dating since sometime in September after I came back from New York. Funny huh? I leave for a week and he decides when I come back that a relationship might be nice. And so far everything is just getting better and better. 

He’s a sweetheart and even though we work together, I don’t feel myself getting bored of seeing him/overwhelmed by his presence so close ever day. With Tyler, even though he was so far away, I still felt suffocated by him. This is so different, and I enjoy working with him, because our relationship is so easy and everything is so simple. It’s fun knowing he’s mine when I see the other girls trying to flirt with him, and thinking to myself, try it bitches he’s still seeing me after work and it’s my lips he’ll be kissing. 

I don’t know why this is so easy with him, but I really am happy and he is too, as far as I know. I like that he isn’t overly emotional or anything like that. He reveals things to me a little at a time, I suspect because he wants to see how I react/see how much he can trust me. He’s guarded and smart about what he wants, how he’s going achieve his ambitions, and how much he’s willing himself to show how he feels. 

Anyways, I just had a really good weekend, with a great guy who I can happily call my boyfriend. He really is handsome, and damn good in bed. 

Ok, I’m done bragging. 

night kids,

xoxo gossiptranny

My parents are going to Hawaii in November and won’t be getting back into town until my birthday. They arrive midday on my birthday which this year so conveniently is Thanksgiving day. 

Since I will be alone for 12 days I have a few ideas in mind. One of them being having my boyfriend over and getting very drunk at least 3 times while they’re away. 

To top this all off they expect ME to start Thanksgiving dinner by myself. I’ve hardly ever helped with that dinner because my dad is so controlling he has always done it by himself, the most I do is set the table and do the mashed potatoes. 

I’m a bit pissed. I know I’m only turning 19 and it’s not that big of a deal and I never have made my birthday a big deal, but they at least have always been around for it. Now they decide that it’s cool to just leave and not come back till my actual birthday. What the actual fuck. My mom always makes a big deal of it and now shes like I wanna get drunk on the beach. 

I don’t even get it. I think I’ll be spending my birthday alone, recovering from a sever hangover and hopefully a few sex bruises and hickies. 

I wrote quite a bit about him yesterday before we hung out, I guess just because I can’t figure everything out about him. 

Not because of my boyfriend. But because I’m in control of my life. I know what I want and how hard I need to work to get it. I know that he cares about me even if he wont admit how much, I can tell when he looks at me and how he actually closes his eyes now when he kisses me (I snuck a peak :3). He’s a good Guy and this is different from my past. I miss Jamesy and the city though. I have ever since I left.
I started painting and writing again and am very pleased with what I can do. I worked my ass off to be talented and I luckily still am.
Also getting back in touch with my sister is pretty cool. I hope she and I can reestablish a relationship and be sisters for the first time in 8+ years.
Everything is getting better.
And I feel happy a lot more often than sad now a days and it feels good to be smiling this much.
Night kids
Xoxo gossip tranny

Drunk tumblin

Did any of them ever love me the way they say they did, or was it some idea of me they were so in love with?

Things that haunt me.

At least he doesn’t pretend to have any strong feelings for me. He’s honest and tells me he likes me as a friend. I don’t have to wonder, really, with him. And its not like I ever have to worry about where things will go because I know in a few months it will be over and everything will be ok.
I won’t break down again and maybe it will hurt a bit but not nearly to the extent in which the past ones did.
I won’t be torn apart and we’ll still be at minimum, friends.
This is the most honestly I’ve ever had in a relationship and its refreshing.
I’m glad everything in my life is settled and I’m going with the eb and flow of it.

Off to therapy.

Xoxo gossip tranny.

And I asked my mom if it was Azkaban island.
I haven’t read the books in years.

I’m hooking up with this guy I work with, he’s really cute, tall, makes me laugh all the time, listens to me when I really need to talk about personal things, and is a pain in the ass but a good friend, and we’re not dating because neither of us want that kind of relationship and we work together so that would just be weird. 

Anyways, there are these 2 new girls at work that are super pretty have great hair and bodies and I saw him talking with one of them almost all day. He and I spend our breaks together and we’re suppose to meet up tonight. He saw that I was upset and when he asked me what was up I just said I was fine and he asked if I was mad at him and I said no. Truthfully I was just jealous because I think if he left our little fling for someone else that we work with I would be so hurt because I would have to see it every day. 

I was jealous because I feel like he can do way better, and those girls are shorter and hotter and probably have way better personalities than me and don’t have any deep seeded psychologically damaging issues. 

I don’t know. He is so fickle, he gives off so many signs that he has some sort of feelings for me but never acts on them, and I’ll admit I got attached for a bit because he’s the only person I see outside of work on a regular basis, however I got over that. 

Even if he did have any feelings for me, which I really doubt he does, I don’t think anything would change. Neither of us want a relationship, and we are together all the time anyways. We’re basically dating except without the titles and commitment and all that bullshit that I’ve grown to despise after my last relationship. 

I guess we’re good friends who enjoy having sex with each other and also just hanging out and talking. 

I take stupid things too personally and I know that, I guess I just don’t want to lose something good. 

Plus he’s a really good kisser and I swear to Bob and the Dalai Gaga, he is the only person besides my boo Jamesy, who can make me laugh/smile when I’m in a really shitty mood.