Reblogged a post of mine from a couple of weeks ago, that I had written about my current guy, Ayanle. I spend almost all of my free time with him and have been sleeping with him for about 4 or 5 months now, I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that when Tyler and I fell apart I went running into Ayanle’s arms and have been much better ever since.
To clarify, although Tyler did make me extremely happy in many ways, and we had a good relationship for the most part, he lived 1600 miles away in Pennsylvania and had a tendency to be a bit controlling and I didn’t stand up for myself and talk to him about it soon enough, so I let it eat at me until I snapped and ended everything with him. He attempted suicide on quite a few occasions because of me wanting to leave after everything we had talked about; marriage, having a family, spending the rest of our lives together, and how head over heals we were for each other so quickly. It didn’t take long until I got overwhelmed and, quite frankly, fucking sick of having a babysitter as a boyfriend. I felt as though I had no room to breathe and had to check in with him for every little thing I did. He is a good guy and I did love him very much, however, I am too free spirited to ever be put in a box that way.
When he and I first started dating I didn’t talk to Jamesy for a month straight, and that is just fucking ridiculous. Jamesy is my best-friend/soul-mate, whom I love and adore very much. He is a part of my family and knows me better than I know myself and we talk every day. Compromising my only real, honest to god, friendship for a guy I had just met was insane to me after I had really looked at it. Yes, Tyler really loved me and made me happy, but Jamesy does and will always come first. Tyler was very jealous of this and told me how that would ruin all my future relationships.
Ayanle knows how much Jamesy means to me and when I had made plans to see him last weekend and had to cancel because Jamesy was coming into town, he didn’t get mad, upset, jealous or otherwise butthurt, because he understood what Jamesy means to me and how high of esteem I hold our relationship. That was huge for me because it proved Tyler’s haunting words wrong.
I am no longer angry or bitter towards Tyler, because I know I hold just as much blame for our breaking up, if not more, than he does. He is a good guy with all the best intentions in the world and is a fantastic boyfriend, the best I had ever had until that point. Although his controlling tendencies didn’t fly well with me, he is now, as far as I know, with a new girl who I hope makes him very happy. And I can be 100% honest when I say that I hope he is happy and doing well because I know he deserves it. He was trying to tame a wild creature of ambition, dreams, independence and outlandish behavior and he didn’t realize it until my fiery temper got the better of me and I pulled away just as quickly as I had jumped into it.
With Tyler I had found someone who could make me happy and give me many things I needed and wanted, yet at the same time, do too many things that went completely against my nature. Ayanle understands me almost as well as Jamesy does, and lets me be the way I am and doesn’t hold me back in any way.
It was surprising to see that Tyler had reblogged my post about Ayanle talking to me about being in a relationship, entitled ‘Well last night was unexpected’ because I didn’t know he looked at my tumblr, nor was I aware that he still used the tumblr he reblogged it for ‘wehavepassion.tumblr.com’. He also uses a picture he made for me with his guitar in it as his icon. I know he must still hate me, but I can’t help but wonder if he ever thinks of me in a warm and loving light; remembering all the conversations we had had and the wonderful times we have spent together.
Like I said, he’s a good guy, we just weren’t meant to be. No matter how crazy the circumstances were when we had met one faithful night on omegle. I think he was a waterfall crashing down and holding all the power, and I was a volcano engulfing everything with my own strong will and not willing to share the control over my life. Both very similar in many respects, however not meant to be together, because we would extinguish each other.
I just got home from hanging out with Ayanle about an hour ago and saw that Tyler had reblogged something of mine so it got me thinking. Sorry about the rant so late.
Actually no I’m not haha. I do what I want. yolo. swag. whatever I’m tired and I wanna cuddle with my Teddy bear.